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I’ve learned a lot about being perimenopausal, menopausal, and post menopausal over the last few months, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I haven’t got a ton of help from my new primary care provider, but she is supportive. I went to my new ob/gyn yesterday and she was great–but not a ton of help, either (I’m working on that relationship–I had my last NP for 20 years). So I’m on my own here…with you as company, of course. And I have some other amazing folks in my corner whom I shall share with you, as well, because I’m a share-er. It’s what I do best. Here’s a little of what I’m starting to discover. Warning: lots of the words, per usual.

Menopause is a one day deal. It’s the day your period has literally “paused” for one year. That’s right. One year. 12 months. 365 days. 525,600 minutes. That’s it. You don’t “go through” menopause, you reach it, like a milestone. So for real, throw a mothereffing party when it happens because (thank God) you don’t get another shot. What you “go through” or experience, is perimenopause and once you reach menopause, you are postmenopausal–like, for the rest of your days. Look, I don’t make the rules.

“So how long will perimenopause last?” you may ask. The answer is the worst one on the planet: “Who the eff knows?” It’s different for everyone. I know my mom has had some of the more common symptoms of menopause for years–like 7 or 8. I’ve heard some women struggle with symptoms for 10-15 years and some just kind of wake up and realize they haven’t had a period in a year, without any symptoms or struggles. Lucky wenches.

My thought with this latest (and also, very late) set of blog posts is to create a 3-part series, of sorts. Today, I’ll list the 34 more common symptoms of menopause. Yes, y’all, you read that right THIRTY-FOUR, although some websites say there may be as many as 40, 52, or 66. I’m just going with what I can handle. I’ll also identify the symptoms I’m dealing with right now or have dealt with. In the second post next week, I’ll go into a little more detail about what I’m doing or learning to make some of the symptoms more bearable–I’ll probably list half of them (I’m not experiencing them all, thank the Lord) and wait until the third post to list the last half. Are you ready? I am not, but we’re in this thing, sisters. Hang tight.

The 34 symptoms of menopause (and the ones I’m personally experiencing in bold)

1. Hot flashes
2. Night sweats
3. Vaginal dryness
4. Decreased sex drive
5. Breast soreness
6. Irregular periods (this is only half bold because I haven’t had one in 11 years, officially–we’ll talk more)
7. Bloating
8. Headaches
9. Mood swings
10. Fatigue
11. Depression
12. Anxiety
13. Irritability
14. Panic disorder
15. Joint pain
16. Sense of taste
17. Itchiness
18. Tingling extremities
19. Electric sensations
20. Burning mouth
21. Digestion changes
22. Muscle aches
23. Disrupted sleep
24. Thinning hair
25. Osteoporosis
26. Irregular heartbeat
27. Weight gain
28. Memory lapses
29. Concentration lapses
30. Brittle nails
31. Incontinence
32. Dizziness
33. Allergies
34. Body odor

There they are, y’all, in all their glory. They ain’t pretty and they ain’t fun, but they are what I’m working with–I’m not doing it perfectly, but I sure am doing my best.

Also, I’m creating a new column somewhere on this blog to share what I’m reading or listening to. Some will be menopause or midlife related, some won’t. There is so much we can learn from each other and who I am to keep all this stuff to myself? Some stuff is serious, some is pee your pants funny (which isn’t uncommon OR funny for some of us these days, ahem), and some is strictly informational and someone’s opinion. Take what you want, leave what you don’t, share what you learn, and disagree when you do…I’m no doctor, healthcare expert, or genius. Let’s do this.